My soul thirsts for you

My soul thirsts for you
Oh G-d

It longs to unite
With its source

This longing
Manifests
In many ways
In our earthly
World

Torah Ohr (book written by the Alter Rebbe)
Puts it
Like this
One’s cravings
And desires
Are G-dly

It even gives an example
One craves a apple
What one is really craving
Is G-d’s attribute of
Chessed (Goodness)

And Then there are
Those writings about how
Marriage is a mini
Redemption
Because what’s redemption?
It is a time when we will
Be closer to G-d
The source of our souls
Then ever before

So that pleasure
That feeling we get
When we connect with
People, things and ideas
That we desire to be close to
Are only a taste of the feeling
We will have
At the time of the
Redemption.
Peace!

Good Shabbos!

Life

Life hurts sometimes
Gets painful
And I try run
Far far away

Pain can be real bad
No matter how high
My tolerance gets
It’s hard to accept

One thing I dislike most
About the pain
It tiers me
Throws me off
Makes me see
The world in a blur
Makes me start to question myself
Pain makes it harder for me to wait

Pain,
I don’t want you
Ever
But I know you will
Forever come and go
I don’t want to run away
Anymore
I want to treat you
Right

I’m not sure how
I just know running
From you isn’t working
Anymore

Light

G-d
I look around
It’s really really dark
I see a spark
From my alarm clock

I’ve seen art
From the heart n soul
Today

Seen and watched
News that hurt me
In so many ways

I want to hold on
Get balanced
I don’t want to fall now
Because I am in pain

There will be light?
Is there light?
Will this darkness end?
Or is the world so full of it?
That I need to look for good?

I am praying that.
G-d give me
Clarity
Vision
To see the light
In life dispite all
The dark stuff

I pray for you all
That you can see
With me
Some light
And be positive and free
Peace

Pain

 

I want to cry
cry out
with tears
to G-d almighty
to end all the pain

I want to beg him
to bring life back
to stop the attacks
to comfort those hurt
to show us you care more
you are close

It is times
like now
that I feel
pain
I feel alone
weakened
soo far from
you

But who are you?
I ask
my dear G-d.
are you really
the one who caused
all the pain
are you around
when your children in Isreal
are slain?

Dear G-d,
I will be honest right now
I want to love you
I wish I could
I want to feel a warm connection
but I can’t
I wish I could

I am working to change
my perspective
to shift

But it’s all so confusing
in this world
natural
you created

there are times of peace
short ones
then
times when people are honest
worthy
righteous
courageous

where are you when the critics
come out
when they try and tear
your bravest apart

where are you when
the steadfast are bold
and brake out of the
old -unhealthy mold?

Where are you oh G-d
who I’m told to love
told
you love me

I see fog now
as I navigate
this world
full of fear and hate
I need to see you
through this dark
rubble
I need to feel you here

But I am still learning
who are you
and till I really know
and feel
your existence
loving
and kind

I will hold my breath
do my best
to try and be
who I think
you want me to be
try to pray
talk to you
how I think
I can relate

peace.

I have a G-d complex

I have a G-d complex
I think it is time
For me to stop
N’ give my G-d
A new job description

You see
The G-d of my youth
Is power hungry
Angry
Scary
Unloving

He wants to punish
Criticize me
Constantly

He doesn’t want me to feel
My feelings
He just wants me to obay
To do what he’d say

He wants me to work
Work
Overwork
Make time for everyone
But me
And believe
That how I will be
Of value

When I don’t listen
His anger roars
I have to hide
Run away
Be afraid of
His wrath

So now
I want to change
My G-d’s
Job description
To a more
Kind
Loving
G-d

To a G-d who
Wants me to feel
My feelings
Who cares
About me
And my self care

Who’s anger is not
Terror
Who’s stern and loving
At the same time

A G-d I can talk to
About my deapest
Worries and fears
About my love for life
My challenges
Strife

Changing….
In my mind
My G-d’s job description
To be re-made

Is it safe to be Naive?

recently some people have turned me off
they wanted money
and dropped their integrity
used Torah (Bible) and Halacha (Jewish code of law) to harass me
tried covering up others garbage
and set me up
to get hurt
so they will make a buck

It hurts so much
because they call themselves religious
though I thank G-d their intent was detected
before things really hurt

I’ve been in shock for some time
lost in despair
to see people loose their integrity
for money
I fear

It’s got me to start to think much
start to doubt allot
start to think hard
if it’s worth it to be pure
cause then I am naive and get hurt
then I believe
in peoples integrity
more then I should
then I can get hurt.

And when people act this way
it hurts
it hurts my relationship with
Torah (Bible) and Halacha (Jewish code of law)
It paralyses me
makes me question and doubt
makes my soul wonder
will this happen again?
is it good to be Frum (Religious)
and get hurt by the greedy
it it good to be naive
and be blinded by
others tricky dealings?

Frustration

 

Frustration

Is a feeling
That can hurt
So much

It comes after
Effort
Lots and lots
Then stuck

It’s something
Uncomfortable
Something
That hurts my core

I try to pin point why
But it just hurts more

You see
When I work hard
Invest
Put time
Into something
I believe in
I feel it should work
And not blow up
In my face

When life drags me down
Down down down
And my imperfection
Slaps me in the face
I want to hide
Disappear
I despair
I feel disgraced

But it’ll happen
Keep happenin
Till I
Look it in the eye
Till I
Learn to accept it
How it feels

I will forever just be perfectly imperfect
I will forever struggle to accept this
I will be me
I will be free
Forever

What’s going on in Israel really hurts.

Dishearted 
Unnerved 
Turmoil
Blurred

The pain
Cuts deep
I restrain 
To weep

Shattered 
My heart 
My soul
The hole

Pass 
It will
No!
No
No:-(

G-d! Where are you?
I don’t feel you
What has become 
Of your loved ones

No one shall fear
None shall dear
I breathe deep
Think Greek
Feel pain
Feel broken.

Why? 
They were slain?
In the Promised Land 
Then on my block
Then in our land again..

How to live 
With the news
How to believe
G-d loves
Us Jews?
Oh so tough
Oh so rough

I will breath 
I will let myself feel
Let myself heal.
Enough is enough

G-d! 
Show us you love us
Show us you care 
Show us you’re here
Bring Moshiach now!
Enough is enough! We care!

Struggles with Davening-Prayer

My struggles with Prayer

I struggle
Fight
To pray
With all my might

I want to
Talk to you
I love you
Oh so

So why
I cry
Can’t I?

I got to know you
G-d
Oh so young

You were there
You are here
Everywhere
All da time

I just wana talk
Without the book
I want
To pour out my heart
When I loose hope

I want to feel you
In my life
Father
In times of Terror
Confusion
And tremor

I want to tell you
That I just
Struggle with the book
The words seem to blur
Oh it muffles the hurt

You see
To talk is no challenge
For me
Yet to read
Is something
That is hard
You see

Since I was told
‘You have learning disabilities’
I knew that reading
Would never be easy

People speak
Judge
Send arrows
At me
They reason
Criticize
And shame me

I don’t pray with them
In their shul (synagogue)
Where they judge
Me for my lack
For not having my head
In the book my Siddur’l
When I should

They don’t know
My frustrations
My challenge
My determination

G-d,
Please take my prayers
Though not always
As sophisticated
They come from my heart
They are embedded in my soul

G-d
I love you so
You are my father
Forever and ever
Peace.

Mistakes

I am afraid of mistakes

I make mistakes…
With good intentions
They hurt.
But I know
It is part of the human learning experience.

Though to be perfect
Would be nice.
But I think that I will suffice
With being perfectly imperfect

I will learn
To fix
To forgive myself
For being imperfect

To ask for forgiveness
To keep going
To keep smiling

Because that’s
The right thing
To do

G-d!
I am begging you
Please help me
Get through
This process
Help me learn
And grow

Help me not get
Bogged down
By my humanity
Help me tap into
The power of my soul
To make me stronger
Then before.
Thank you G-d!